Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
You Might Also Like
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
This could be us… but you playing
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Mike is short for Micycle
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
SF is the wild wild west man
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.