Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
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“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Meow
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.