Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you’re still alive.

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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.


‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned


No thanks, Winter Olympics. If I wanted to see a bunch of white people playing in the snow, I’d hop on over to Facebook.


[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity


[speed dating]
her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you?
me: define “child”


I have enough money to live comfortably the rest of my life if I die next thursday


[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one


C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.


“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.