Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
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Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
I don’t know if I’m just renewing my driver’s license every year or if I’m aging like a store bought banana.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
never deleting this app.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Jupiter
