Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
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Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Cinema or bowling
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
My circle of trust is a meatball
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.