Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
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OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
New mindset, who dis?
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.