Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
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Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”