[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
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It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.