MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
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Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
October already? What’s next? November????
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”