MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
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The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots