MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
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[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
My dream car is a taco truck.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”