moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
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Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Still a very good boi….
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men