Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

The chart results are in…

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Good morning!

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!