Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
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Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
That lamp looks PISSED.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?