Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
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The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck