Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
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I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”