Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
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Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I thought this was funny lol
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”