Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
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Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise