Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.