Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.