Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about

Who wants to be my Valentine?

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.