Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

My current situation

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

Banking tips

Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”

I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.