Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?

PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

this is how life feels

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

My patronus is a cheeseburger

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

that lip filler tho