mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
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I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*