Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

Look at this

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

Bring back the McRib

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”