Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

applying for a new job

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.