Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
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Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.