Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
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I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
and now we wait
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana