Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

Proctologist = Analyst

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

quarantine day 3

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties