Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

biblically accurate fire hydrant

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.