Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
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Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.