Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.