Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

‘But that means…’

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

Name another movie that mislead you?

How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.

New baby? Merry Christmas!

Getting married? Merry Christmas!

Birthday? Merry Christmas!

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out