Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
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Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail