Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

inventing words: clothing

Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]