Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.