Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.