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*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
When you don’t understand how floors work
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry