Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
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the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
normalize having existential bread
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.