Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
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If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be