Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

Priorities

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?