Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
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Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
realest tweet ever.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
10/10 no notes
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…