‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
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But that’s none of my business
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
The smoothest fall of all time
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.