Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon