Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

Trying

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

Neighbor: What are you doing?

Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?

Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.