Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.