Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
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Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.