Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
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*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
i hate small talk. i wanna talk about aliens, the 16 digits on your credit card, the 3 numbers on the back, and the expiration date
Writes “I love you” inside.
Mails card to self.
Receives card in mail.
“Eww, why do I attract losers?”
“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.
My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.