Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

airing out the snack pack

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

Velcrow

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Welcome

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am