Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

the simulation is moving too fast

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*