Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach