Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
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It鈥檚 called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
2023 was just a warmup
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don鈥檛 know whether to shit or go blind. I don鈥檛 have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
10yo all day Sunday: I鈥橫 SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Dad Hack: get your teen鈥檚 attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver鈥檚 caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
hey boy 馃槈 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I don鈥檛 like to brag, but I don鈥檛 need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Chess is my favourite game but I don鈥檛 play favourites