Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
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You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.