Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
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DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
