“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
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Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Raisins are grape jerky.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.