“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
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Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Lives near Army base.
Community page on Facebook:
“WhAt aRe tHoSe LoUd BoOms?!”
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
next question.
Mornin
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!