Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
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Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Weighing up my bread heating options
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.