MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
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5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
for all #parents out there
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*