Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.

Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that