Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
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Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
is nasa ok
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.