Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

is this meant to deter me

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.

My dreams have come true.

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?