Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
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Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I put the I in Insufferable.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”