Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
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Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
Erm I’m gonna say no
