Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
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not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Don’t talk down to me
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”