Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

felt cute might bury dad later idk

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.