Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
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tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.