Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
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*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.