@TheToddWilliams

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

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@freudianscript

My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’

@KattsDogma

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

@samalmightysam

God was able to create everything in only 6 days cause he didn’t have a woman next to him telling him what color she wanted everything to be

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate the phrase “let me clarify” because it means someone is about to talk some more.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

@skickwriter

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

@ProdigyNelson

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

@KeetPotato

friend who’s just been travelling: “in thailand there’s an energy that connects with my aura”
me: “in spain onion rings have squid inside”

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…