Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
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I love wikipedia
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
hackers play passwordle
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.