“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
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girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.