mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
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My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
groan^2
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Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’